Notes from tutor -
This is a very good essay overall.The main weakness is that large passages of the essay are unsupported by quotes or citations. which makes it seem like you are making lots of unsubstantiated points. This is compounded by an inability to use the Harvard System properly in text, which makes paragraphs appear unsupported. When in actuality you are attempting to introduce a quote. Otherwise, this essay has a strong structure and is vey well written throughout, aside from the occasional conversational sentence. Your overall argument is very convincing and you appear to have an excellent contextual knowledge of your topic.
Personal Improvements -
Having these useful notes from my draft essay have given me what I need to understand further about my research question. I know now how I should change the essay to improve my grade. I have noted what ares that need to improve, I will be going through my essay and correcting the way I have referenced, to make my references fit with the Harvard system. Also I have used some less formal sentences which make the essay not flow as well so I will be reevaluating the way that I am writing the essay to insure that it meets the criteria of an academic research essay.
This constructive feedback, has enabled me to feel better about the worries I had when writing this essay and whether the point I was making was wrong enough. But now that I have been assured that I am making a convincing argument to will encourage me to add to the essay and improve my grade.
